Messdeck Mirth
Sailors past and present are renowned for their superb sense of humour, and we have all been subjected to the phrase "If you can't take a joke you shouldn't have joined", so it only seems fair that there should be a slot so we can display some of the funnies that come our way.

All contributions are of course very welcome, but please do not be offended if your particular rib tickler does not make it into print.  The PC Police are everywhere - with some getting their fun by spoiling other peoples - so we have had to exercise a degree of restraint and subtlety.

However, if you are of a delicate disposition this may be a good time to log off from this website.

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The Second
HMS Manchester Association
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Just when you thought things couldn't get worse after England's absolutely abysmal cricketing performance against Australia...An Aussie joke!


An Aussie Blonde goes to Heaven

A big buxom Aussie blonde was sent on her way to Heaven.  Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.  "I'm sorry" St Peter said, "But heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals."

"That's cool" said the Blonde, "What does the Entrance Exam consist of?"

"Just three questions" said St Peter.

"Which are?" asked the Blonde.

"The first," said St Peter, "is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"  "The second is "How many seconds are there in a year?" "and the third is "What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"

"Now," said St Peter, "Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me."

So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same!).


The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, "I have."

"Well then," said St Peter, "Which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

The Blonde said, "Today and Tomorrow".

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

"Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions," St Peter went on "How many seconds in a year?"

The Blonde replied, "Twelve!"

"Only twelve" exclaimed St Peter, "How did you arrive at that figure?"

"Easy", said the Blonde, "there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds."

St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, "I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision."  And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde.  "I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven.  Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"

The Blonde replied, "Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer."

"Really!" exclaimed St Peter, "And what is the answer?" 

"It's Andy."

"Andy??"

"Yes, Andy," said the Blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer.  Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the Blonde, asked, "How in God's name did you arrivae at THAT answer?"

"Easy", said the Blonde, "Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled."

And the Blonde entered Heaven...?

... you're singing it now, aren't you...??
(Mike Smith)

Meanwhile, just across the water......

Joe says to Paddy:  "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife - the whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

Paddy says:  "Well the joke's on them stupid b@stards because I wasn't even home yesterday."



Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me."
Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."


An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.

His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
He does, but wo weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you actually put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here, boy" he replies.


Reilly went to trial for armed robbery.

The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not Guilty".
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly.  "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
(Mike Smith)

Jack takes his wife, Jenny to a disco

There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large - break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.

Jenny turns to Jack and says:  "See that guy?  25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Jack says:  "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!

(Mike Smith)