It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a cheque for £50.
At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.
The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When they went downstairs, the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice. As she was pouring him a cup of steaming coffee, he noticed a quid coin in the saucer.
'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but what's the quid for?'
'Well,' said the dumb blonde, 'Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you'. 'I asked him what I should give you'.
He said, 'F**k him. Give him a quid.'
She smiled shyly and said, 'The breakfast was my idea.'
One for the motor biking fraternity
On January 9th, 2013 a group of Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge.
So they stopped.
Stevie, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley Davidson, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Troopers, and says, "What are you doing?"
She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.
After they finished, Stevie gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Troopers, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be really famous if you rode with me. Why are you trying to end it all?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether 'she' jumped or was pushed!
The Mexican Maid
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze." "The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban, he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban deed."
Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.